Along the lines of 'Everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten', I have come to realize that Everything I believe about myself I learned when I was 5!
I thought I was to the point in my life where I didn't care what people think of me. And in a way, I am. I don't care what they think of me. But it dawned on me I care what they think of my children.
I was thinking about my daughter today. My beautiful, sweet, kind, witty, joyful, talented daughter and I realized that I have passed my insecurities onto her. She worries what people think.
The other day a group of people were talking about what they wanted to do when they grew up and T was happy they didn't ask her because she doesn't know, and she thought that was bad.
She thought it was bad, because I have led her to believe that it matters what people think. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE LEARNED THAT IT DOESN'T! How could I be so stupid. If there is ONE thing I have truly learned in life, it is that it doesn't matter what people think. It only matters what you think about yourself.
And then I realized that even though I have the wisdom of the ages, I am not applying it to her, because of homeschooling.
You see, the most difficult thing about homeschooling is that you don't get to blame someone else. You are responsible. You are responsible. You are responsible.
So what ever happens to your kids, no matter what it is, homeschooling will be blamed. Every other kid in the world can do the same thing, and it is written off as just what they do, but everything my kids do will be because of homeschooling.
So of course, my kids have to be perfect, my kids have to be a roaring success. Or else I was wrong, homeschooling isn't the right way to go.
Duh, how stupid is that? I'm not homeschooling so other people can say I was right. I'm not homeschooling so my kids can be a roaring success. I'm not homeschooling so my kids will be perfect.
I am homeschooling so my kids will be happy.
T is who she is. Whether or not she goes to school, she is who she is. I really have nothing to do with it. Oh sure, I can facilitate it somewhat, I can expose her somewhat, I can try and teach through example somewhat. But ultimately, she is who she is.
And I think she is perfect. It is just when I see her through other peoples eyes, through society's eyes, that I worry.
And that's how it comes together. I am letting what other people think factor into my life again. And that is just plain stupid.
Do I care that T doesn't know what she wants to do? Of course not! I would actually think it was absurd if she did. Do I care if she doesn't figure it out till she is 30? Hell no! I don't even care if she lives at home till she's 30, the longer the better, in my mind.
All I care about is that she have the opportunity to believe that she can do anything, and therefore be able to figure out what she wants to do. I want that more than anything, not that she realizes her dream, but that she has one. And everything I do, everything I have her do, should be towards that goal.
So even though I didn't benefit from learning this lesson early, it is imperative that my children do.
Sammy is Sammy. He is a stinker. He is also brilliant, inquisitive, aware, active, loving, scared, needy and stubborn. I want him to grow and develop into what ever works for him, not what other people.
Johnley is a little four year old who never had a family. He is not going to listen to me, to respect me, to do what I say, because I want him to, or because he is afraid of me. He is only going to do that if he wants to. So I need to do what ever I can so he wants to, regardless of what other people think.
I really just need to love my kids, and stop worrying about all the other bullshit.
We made chicks with our hand prints...
We made chicks out of jelly beans....
