A day in the life

I just finished reading the most wonderful book, A Thousand Splendid Suns. I highly, highly recommend it. Anyway, there was a part in it where a woman had to put her child in an orphanage in order for the child to eat. She visited whenever she could, usually at risk of her life, and was able to take her back home eventually.

And I realized (again), that I don't love Johnley enough. I should worship him every day. I should cover him with kisses every moment. What his birth mother sacrificed for him is mind blowing. That we live in a world where people do not get to keep their children because they can't afford to feed them is mind blowing. That I live in a place, with an income, that I don't have that problem, is mind blowing.

Yesterday both boys had a dentist appointment. It was Johnley's first. The put us in a room where there was a wall in the middle with a doorway on each end, so I could see both boys. Johnley started crying right away. I calmed him down and once he was comfortable, I went to check on Sammy.

Sammy's hygienist was not very nice. Definitely not as nice as the one he had last time, which Johnley had this time. Anyway, Sammy started to cry, and pretty much cried the whole time. He has had some pretty bad times at the dentist, poor guy, and he was very stressed. He was so worried that it was going to hurt. And the stupid woman tells him that worrying causes wrinkles. Like a 4 year old gives a shit about that!

And then they give out the toothbrushes. Johnley had told the woman that his favorite color was red (at the time, I was just so happy that he could come up with a color – he hasn’t quite got them yet), so she gave Johnley a red Power Ranger toothbrush and Sammy a black one. Uh oh. And then the tears started in earnest. Sammy's heart broke. Johnley got the red one. He ran into the play area and cried the whole time I was making appointments and paying the bill.

And I thought, “I have ruined his life. I brought this other child into his life and completely turned everything upside down. He has lost his place, his mommy, everything he knows. What have I done?”

Yesterday also included:
a wonderfully pleasant lunch at Fridays, just me and my kids;
Taishauna's drama leader SCREAMING at kids in the back making noise which REALLY upset me;
lots of time spent with Pam, who is SO great at playing with the boys (and who Sammy is really starting to open up to);
Sammy spitting at the aforementioned Pam (how freaken embarrassing, I wanted to cry);
Johnley calling me stupid Mommy about 20 times (that's everyday, but it gets old - fast);
Taishauna bringing home the most beautiful ceramic shamrock (I promise I will post a picture soon) that she is soooo excited about;
Taishauna telling me I am the best mom in the whole world, when I produced pretzel sticks I had brought for her to eat after art;
Taishauna crying and stomping into her room at 8:30 when I told her she had to look some stuff up on the computer for 4-H today.

This mom thing is flucking exhausting.