From best to worst.

We are under DYFS investigation.  They came here last Tuesday because they had to see the boys.  They actually checked to make sure we had food and they had clothes.  This is what we've come to.  We were foster parents, approved by DYFS, and the adoption agency used to have us come up and talk to parents that were in the process of adoption.  Our counselor used to call us adoption super-heroes!

And now they are afraid we aren't feeding the boys.  Because Avena didn't like us.  Avena didn't want to talk to us.  That is the only thing that happened.  Avena didn't like us.  DYFS initially came out to 'offer more help for Avena'.  Their idea of more help was to get us to agree to family counseling.  Which we did.  Which never happened.

Then Taishauna wrote Avena a letter and told her how angry she was and how she wished we never adopted her.

DYFS was horrified!  Really?  A teenager writing a hateful letter?  Yeah, I'm sure that hardly ever happens.  So they removed Avena from the home.  Now, mind you, we have been trying to get that done for 6 months.  But now theres a catch.  We have to pay child support till she graduates.  Which could be 3 more years.  Whatever, totally worth it.

The day she left they called and said, "Okay, counseling is available!"  WTF???

I said no, they said yes, so now we have to get family counseling.  They have to make sure the kids aren't traumatized by her leaving.

So to recap:

• Avena comes here and is miserable.
• We try EVERYTHING we know how to help her for 2 years.
• She gets pissed cuz I take her phone and threatens suicide.
• Karen (from the outpatient program) wants us to get family counseling to work it out.  
• We agree on the condition that we see Avena make some effort.
• She makes NONE.
• Karen insists we call Perform Care for counseling.  We say no.
• Karen convinces me to let her call DYFS so they can remove her from the home.
• DYFS says they can't do that.
• But now DYFS is involved.
• DYFS asks us to call Perform Care.  We agree.
• Karen knows we only said yes cuz we thought we had to.  She implores us to call DYFS and tell them the truth so they can remove Avena.
• We do and DYFS threatens us with court.  We agree to call Perform Care. (Does Karen have ANY idea how to do her job?)
• DYFS calls out of the blue and says they are going to remove Avena from the home.  The need a team meeting.
• We go to meeting and discuss Avena's needs and goals.  (it's always about Avena's needs)
• They agree to move her, will call tomorrow.
• Four days later, they call and say they changed their minds.
• They send out an 'adolescent worker', Steve, who asks us to agree to counseling.  We agree.
• We get a letter from Perform Care that they won't take Avena cuz she is already in a program.  WTF?
• Another month passes and another visit from Steve.
• Taishauna writes a letter to Avena.
• They remove Avena from the home.
• We get a call that counseling is now available, we decline. (Don't need it now, right?)
• DYFS insists on therapy.  We agree.
• DYFS is concerned about the boys.  We are under DYFS investigation.

Now I will admit, I have glossed over the letter. It was really awful.  But it was still from a teenager.

The only other question that pops up is WHY wouldn't you want family counseling?  Wouldn't that have maybe fixed everything?  And at least appeased them?

Short answer, yes.  Had I been able to see the future, and known it would turn out like this, I most definitely would have agreed to family counseling.

The reasons that I didn't want it, (and no-one ever asked), include the fact that we as a family had already tried so hard with Avena.  I had asked Taishauna to start again and try over a million times, only to get hurt again.  Taishauna was really struggling.  I felt I just couldn't ask her to try again, to just forget about all the bullshit that Avena had pulled, unless I knew that Avena wanted it, that she would actually change her behavior and make some attempt of her own.  Otherwise, it would be for nothing and Taishauna would be that much more hurt.  That applies to myself, too.  I was so stressed, so angry at Avena.  This was all because she didn't want to talk to us.

And I tried to imagine therapy with the family.  Avena would say look pitiful, say she knew it was all her fault, say she would try to act differently, and nothing would change.  She did it again and again with the outpatient therapist.  We would set up exactly what Avena should do and she would agree to it and then do none of it.  And the therapist would make excuses for her.  It would be our fault that she didn't do it, she was scared, she didn't understand.  The list went on and on.  I wasn't putting Taishauna through that.  The first time I did.  After we had a meeting and decided what Avena should do differently, I had a talk with Taishauna.  And she agreed.  Try again.  She canceled all her plans for the weekend and made herself available.  And Avena never said a word to her.  She waited until Taishauna was out of the room before saying anything.  And Taishauna was in tears by 6pm.  I was done.