My baby turned 5 today. I can't believe it. That's it; his childhood is over. He might as well be 16. I can't believe he isn't a baby anymore...I'm so sad.

Just 5 short years ago:

And Now:

Still cute as a button, but not a baby. Boo hoo.

So celebrate we did - at Robot Galaxy. For a mere weeks salary, they will make your dreams come true! Okay, I exaggerate, but only a little. It is actually a very cool place, building your own robots and all. Unfortunately, we had a lame party host, but the kids didn't know the difference. The robots are beyond cool, and they all say the nickname the kids gave them, and the kids name.

The robots and their kids (they put themselves in size order!)

A VERY cool power ranger cake. (Seriously, doesn't that look awesome?)

And Cara got right in there and blew out the candle --- so freakin cute. With that outfit, I'm surprised I even took any pictures of the boys at all!

And this one is for you Pam!

Could just eat this one up!

100th post

I got this idea from my friend here. For my 100th post I thought I would list 100 facts about me. I originally was going to list 100 INTERESTING facts about me, but it turns out they're not!



So here goes, in no particular order....



1. I once traveled from New Jersey to Seattle by bus.
2. I moved 5 times by the time I was 8.
3. I have been married 20 years – to the same man!
4. I once walked 15 miles in one day.
5. I once trained to do the Avon Breast Cancer 60 mile Walk. It was canceled after the first day.
6. I was a foster mom to 11 children.
7. I have adopted 3 children and am working on my fourth.
8. I didn’t learn to ski until I was 28. It took me all morning to get down the hill the first time and all afternoon to get down the second time.
9. I am still very afraid of ski lifts.
10. When I was 18 I marched Washington in a Pro-Life march.
11. When I was 18 I voted for Reagan.
12. When I was 18 I was stupid.
13. I have since marched on Washington for the Million Mom March against guns, the Woman’s Rights march and
14. Hopefully I have reversed the bad karma from 11!
15. I once worked as a chamber maid.
16. I worked as a nurse’s aid at both a nursing home and a hospital.
17. I worked in retail.
18. I worked as a waitress.
19. I worked as a computer operator.
20. I worked in a daycare – first as a teacher and then as an administrator.
21. I worked as a computer programmer.
22. I worked as a bartender. Aside from programming, that is where I made the most money. And drank the most liquor.
23. I learned the hard way that mind erasers really do erase your mind!
24. I once attended Norfolk State University, which is a predominantly black university. I only lasted one semester. Universities are hard!
25. I have attended 3 different colleges. And then I got my degree online.
26. When I started college I had to take introduction to college algebra 1 and 2 before I could take algebra 1 and 2.
27. I then went on to take Calculus 1 and 2. I got an A in Calculus 2. Who knew?
28. From the time I was 17 until I was married I moved 10 times.
29. I moved 6 times in my first 7 years of marriage.
30. I have lived at my current residence for 13 years.
31. I became an Aunt when I was 10.
32. I have been taking care of children ever since!
33. When I was 2 I almost drowned in the above ground pool in our back yard. My sister thought I was her life-size doll and pulled me out. I wonder what would have happened if she knew it was me I was blue, my mom ran in to get her purse, and when she came out I was playing on the swings.
34. When I was 4 I got caught in a whirlpool in a lake in Kentucky. My brother pulled me out.
35. I don’t remember either of those two incidents, but I am a little claustrophobic, and terrified of being dunked. (Being dunked hasn’t been an issue for quite some time, but it used to be a real problem).
36. I am number 9 of 10 children.
37. My parents were both only children (I guess they tried to make up for that!) so I never had any aunts, uncles or cousins.
38. All my grandparents died before I was born.
39. My given initials are ABC. My parents let my siblings vote on my name. I think they were running out of ideas.
40. I have 5 sisters and for a while when I was around 10, I shared a bedroom with three of them.
41. When I was 14 and my sister 16, we got a job on the Seaside boardwalk and we used to hitch-hike there everyday. That was when 37 was only one lane and it was bumper to bumper traffic. It was usually faster to walk.
42. When I was in 8th grade, I got suspended 5 times for smoking in the bathroom. I’ve been trying to quit ever since.
43. When I was 10 I was famous (yes, actually famous!) for being able to do a one-handed walk-over. My girlfriend and I would spend hours doing back-bends and such in the yard
44. I tried out to be a cheerleader once and didn’t make it.
45. When the Ocean County Mall opened, I got a job in a cheese shop. I had to wear the most ridiculous outfit. I wish I had a picture.
46. I was really bad in high school. I got caught smoking weed and told the principal that my mom just had a heart attack and if she was told it would kill her. I told them my father would call and then I had my brother in law call. I forgot to check the mail, though and my mom found out anyway!
47. I got kicked out of home economics in my senior year. My teacher freaked out on me because I told her she was really rude to the maintenance guy. (I felt sorry for him) The principal told me just hang out outside until the school year was over.
48. He also told me that if he saw me again, even just passing him in the hall, I was not going to graduate!
49. I didn’t see him again and I graduated!
50. I have taken typing 6 times in my life (once in high school and the rest in college) and failed all but once. The last time I took it the teacher just gave me a passing grade to get rid of me!
51. Once I started programming I could type 60 wpm.
52. I got married by the justice of the peace, mostly because I didn’t want my father to walk me up the aisle.
53. We had a wedding reception in my apartment.
54. I would do it exactly the same if I had to do it over.
55. We went to Washington DC for our honey moon.
56. I cried like a baby the first time I saw the Vietnam Memorial.
57. I met my husband in college.
58. We were best friends for two years before we even thought of dating.
59. My best girlfriend warned me not to get romantically involved with my husband, cuz it would ruin the friendship.
60. She was right!
61. I’ve had the same best friends since I was 10.
62. I have 19 nieces and nephews.
63. I have 14 great nieces and nephews…so far.
64. I went to my first concert when I was 13. It was Loggins and Messina and Fleetwood Mac.
65. I saw The Who five times.
66. They were my favorite band growing up.
67. We had a rivalry with the deadheads – I HATED the Grateful Dead.
68. My husband is a deadhead!
69. It is really hard for me to come up with 100 items.
70. I went to Europe with my sister on a 10 day bus tour.
71. I rode a ski lift to the top of the Swiss Alps.
72. I rode to the top of the Eiffel tower (well not the top, just as high as they let you go).
73. I was at Notre Dame during Pope John Paul II's funeral. It was being televised there and a huge crowd was watching.
74. I smoked weed in Amsterdam.
75. I spent the weekend in London.
76. My sister and I got in a fight in London and I stomped off in a huff, with absolutely NO WHERE to go...I had to eat crow and come crawling back!
77. I bought a coo-coo clock from a store in the Black Forest in Germany.
78. I used to waitress at Winklemans restaurant in Lakewood. It was a German restaurant. Herman Winkleman is now homeless and living in a tent in Lakewood.
79. Between adopting and fostering, I have had a home study done four times and had my fingerprints done 8 times.
80. Fingerprints don't ever change...why do they have to do them more than once?
81. I homeschool my children.
82. My daughter went to school until 4th grade, and I wish she didn't.
83. My boys still sleep with us, and I wouldn' t have it any other way.
84. My Ipod contains the whole first season of Weeds, 5 recently purchased games, and 40 photos of my kids.
85. I am one of those women who have no idea about our finances, my husband takes care of it all, but mostly because I know we don't have enough money and I don't want the stress!
86. I love to scrapbook, and I am great at buying scrapbook material, but I no longer have time to scrapbook.
87. Since I have gotten a third child, I no longer have time for anything!
88. I pride myself on being very organized.
89. I consider other bloggers, that I read regularly, but have never met, my friends.
90. I wish everyone I knew had a blog, so I could know what was going on in their life!
91. I taught myself how to cornrow so I could take care of my daughters hair.
92. When my nieces were young, I made three princess dresses, out of satin and netting and fake fur. They had ribbons and bows and capes. They were gorgeous, and I later made pillows out of them for the girls. One was pink, one was blue and one was purple.
93. I took home economics for 4 years and I can't sew or cook.
94. I hate to cook.
95. I love to eat.
96. I went to Disney world when T was 7 and I HATED it.
97. I am probably going to Disney next spring for the boys. Hopefully I won't hate it.
98. I fantasize about winning the lottery (who doesn't) and have completely redesigned my house, (including adding a story and where I would put the stairs), in my head 1000 times.
99. I don't like to drink anymore since I quit smoking.
100. I am really glad this list is over, and tomorrow I will probably think of 12 things I wish I had included.

The birthday dance

This week we are doing the birthday dance. It involves lots of yelling, lots of late nights, lots of running to the store. By Sunday the house will be clean, the cake will be decorated, the food will be cooked, the activities will be planned. And we will all be exhausted and mad at each other!

Easter (finally)

Okay, I promised people pictures of Easter so here goes.

We made chicks with our hand prints...

We made chicks out of jelly beans....

We dipped peeps in chocolate...

We made Grandmas cookies and decorated them for Easter.

We tye-dyed eggs....

We made gifts for our cousins....

And the Easter Bunny Came!

We celebrated with Nicks family....

and mine.... (notice how co-operative Sammy is!)


But my favorite pictures from the weekend are.....

This.....

and this!

Also....

This video

Along the lines of 'Everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten', I have come to realize that Everything I believe about myself I learned when I was 5!

I thought I was to the point in my life where I didn't care what people think of me. And in a way, I am. I don't care what they think of me. But it dawned on me I care what they think of my children.

I was thinking about my daughter today. My beautiful, sweet, kind, witty, joyful, talented daughter and I realized that I have passed my insecurities onto her. She worries what people think.

The other day a group of people were talking about what they wanted to do when they grew up and T was happy they didn't ask her because she doesn't know, and she thought that was bad.

She thought it was bad, because I have led her to believe that it matters what people think. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE LEARNED THAT IT DOESN'T! How could I be so stupid. If there is ONE thing I have truly learned in life, it is that it doesn't matter what people think. It only matters what you think about yourself.

And then I realized that even though I have the wisdom of the ages, I am not applying it to her, because of homeschooling.

You see, the most difficult thing about homeschooling is that you don't get to blame someone else. You are responsible. You are responsible. You are responsible.

So what ever happens to your kids, no matter what it is, homeschooling will be blamed. Every other kid in the world can do the same thing, and it is written off as just what they do, but everything my kids do will be because of homeschooling.

So of course, my kids have to be perfect, my kids have to be a roaring success. Or else I was wrong, homeschooling isn't the right way to go.

Duh, how stupid is that? I'm not homeschooling so other people can say I was right. I'm not homeschooling so my kids can be a roaring success. I'm not homeschooling so my kids will be perfect.

I am homeschooling so my kids will be happy.

T is who she is. Whether or not she goes to school, she is who she is. I really have nothing to do with it. Oh sure, I can facilitate it somewhat, I can expose her somewhat, I can try and teach through example somewhat. But ultimately, she is who she is.

And I think she is perfect. It is just when I see her through other peoples eyes, through society's eyes, that I worry.

And that's how it comes together. I am letting what other people think factor into my life again. And that is just plain stupid.

Do I care that T doesn't know what she wants to do? Of course not! I would actually think it was absurd if she did. Do I care if she doesn't figure it out till she is 30? Hell no! I don't even care if she lives at home till she's 30, the longer the better, in my mind.

All I care about is that she have the opportunity to believe that she can do anything, and therefore be able to figure out what she wants to do. I want that more than anything, not that she realizes her dream, but that she has one. And everything I do, everything I have her do, should be towards that goal.

So even though I didn't benefit from learning this lesson early, it is imperative that my children do.

Sammy is Sammy. He is a stinker. He is also brilliant, inquisitive, aware, active, loving, scared, needy and stubborn. I want him to grow and develop into what ever works for him, not what other people.

Johnley is a little four year old who never had a family. He is not going to listen to me, to respect me, to do what I say, because I want him to, or because he is afraid of me. He is only going to do that if he wants to. So I need to do what ever I can so he wants to, regardless of what other people think.

I really just need to love my kids, and stop worrying about all the other bullshit.

Stupid Mommy

Me: Johnley, we have to get dressed and go now.
Johnley: No, I'm not getting dressed.
Me: So then you will have to get in the car in your pajamas, because we have to take T to art class.
Johnley: Stupid Mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Johnley, put your coat on, it is raining and it is cold.
Johnley: I don't want to - I want to be cold.
Me: Well, you have to.
Johnley: Stupid Mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: What show do you guys want to watch.
Johnley: Curious George.
Sammy: Curious George.
Johnley: No, Diego.
Me: Well, you both said Curious George and that's what I put on. We will watch Diego next.
Johnley: Stupid Mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Johnley, what do you want for breakfast?
Johnley: Popcorn.
Me: You can't have popcorn.
Johnley: Stupid Mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Come on guys, its time to put our pajamas on.
Johnley: Stupid Mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Come on guys, its time to go to the park.
Johnley: Stupid Mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Me: Good Morning Johnley.
Johnley: Stupid Mommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Me: Sammy, get up off the floor (in the dentist waiting rooom), and where btw are your shoes?
Sammy: I don't want to get up.
Me: Well, you are lying right by the door and someone is going to hit you.
Sammy: Well, I want to be hit and I don't love you.


(Sounds of Sammy screaming and crying in the dentist chair while I sit in the waiting room like I'm told.)
(Sounds of my heart breaking.)
Stupid Mommy

Happy St. Patty's Day!

In the last 4 days I have had two 'Mommy Days', and yet, it seems like I never left! On Friday Erin volunteered to watch my kids so I could run some errands. I was allowed to bring them over whenever I wanted but because of incompetent office workers I didn't get there until 1 o'clock.


So I went to the mall to get my hair cut because I don't know where else to go, and she must have thought I was OLD, as old as our FIRST first lady, because she made me look like her.




I'm tellin ya', WHO WANTS TO LOOK LIKE THAT! (okay, actually this picture makes the hair look better than it actually was - and my face look WAY worse than it must- but you get my point!)



Then I went to Target to get some Easter shopping done, but it was already 3 (oh yeah, it took her 1 and 1/2 hours to cut my hair!) , so I was in a fog, and didn't get much accomplished. By the time I got to Erin's, I had just enough time to get Taishauna up to the church for her social action night. Got home at 7 and had to get the kids ready for bed.





Yesterday I went to the coffee shop with my peeps! and before we knew it we were there for 4 hours! It went in an instant. We ended up spending another 3 hours together, but really it felt like an instant.





So this morning:


Erin was telling me about T getting mad at her on Friday and T ended up MAD AT ME!


I went to take a bath and as soon as I got in, Sammy came in to poop. (while T will watch the kids while I am in the bath, she WILL NOT wipe a poopy but. So I had to get out.


Owen threw a fit at me because I bought my kids crocs and not him.


Johnley wasn't playing with Sammy because he wouldn't let him carry around the batman bag.


Sammy then wouldn't let Johnley on his bed.


Johnley then wouldn't let Sammy on HIS bed.


Owen tried to play the two of them off each other, but that backfired.


I made 4 grilled cheese sandwiches.


I washed our sheets AGAIN, because Johnley peed through his pull up.


They have all had at least one costume on.


We have had about 10 different squables between the boys, (while they fight alot this is an unusually high number - even for a monday)


And Cara has yelled at her baby and put her in time out!





IT'S ONLY 9:30!!!








Deep breath.....





Okay, some excellent opportunities for teaching conflict management and resolution!





And.... It's going to be 50 degrees and sunny today!





Its all good.

Letterboxing

We found our first letterbox yesterday. Woohoo! It really was so much fun. Nick made the stamp which we designed together. The 6 makes 1 is a reference to how many we will be when Aveena gets here, and the symbol is an African American symbol that means 'With Gods will' or something to that effect. We got the clue off the internet and went on our adventure. This one is at the Manasquan Reservoir. We had such a great time ready the clues and finding the box. We read the log book and checked out all the stuff in the box (this one had been the find of some geocachers because it had some toys in it!) and then hid the box again and went to the play ground.

I have since printed out 6 more clues, so in the coming weeks we will be looking for them.

For your viewing pleasure

This is Taishauna all dressed up for a party. She looked so cute. I swear, shopping for party clothes with her is like playing with a life size barbie! She looks great in everything. She is one of those lucky people who can always find stuff in the clearance aisle because of her size. This outfit cost us a whopping $13!

This was one of our science experiments - well, science is really stretching it - but what the hey! We 'tye-dyed' t-shirts with sharpies and alcohol (the rubbing kind, not the drinking kind). Taishauna ran the table (which included an experiment with milk, food coloring and soap) like a pro. Each of the kids had one to wear.

This is Taishauna's beautiful creation from her art class. You can't tell, but that is a little leprechaun up in the corner.

We are never in danger here, because we have the super heroes at our disposal!

Taishauna's music lessons gives us the opportunity to ride our bikes! We are lovin' the nice weather!






This was the coolest of all! When we were getting ready to go to 4-H yesterday, the mailman (I have the nicest mailman ever!) brought this to our attention. There was a dead bunny, two turkey vultures and three crows in all. We watched for quite a while. Excellent home school science!

And last, but not least, this is from the great program that Pam gave me! I could lose a weekend with this program!

Wasted Worry

I so don't have time to post this, but what the hey. Life with a teenager is such a roller coaster. Last week I was convinced that I had ruined her completely - she was too shy, she was never going to make friends, she was doomed to a life of misery.

And then we had our 4-H group and she worked her experiment table like a pro - with children and adults alike. She looked like she did this for a living. They were her experiments and she had so much fun she asked if we could do it again next week.



And on Saturday she went to an acquaintances confirmation party. She didn't know this girl well, didn't know who would be there, and didn't know what they would be wearing. She wanted to go and was willing to walk into the unknown, by herself. I give her credit for that. She winged it and came out smelling like a rose! She had a blast - danced with everyone the whole time and talked and laughed with children and adults. Spent lots of time with new and old friends.

Then she got a phone call from her bff - who she was beginning to think didn't like her anymore, and accepted an offer of a sleep over and spending all day Sunday together! Again, she had a blast. (turns out bff just has no time, what with school stuff all the time!)

And again, I learn about wasted worry!

(I tried a million times to upload photos, but it won't let me...I'll post them later)

A day in the life

I just finished reading the most wonderful book, A Thousand Splendid Suns. I highly, highly recommend it. Anyway, there was a part in it where a woman had to put her child in an orphanage in order for the child to eat. She visited whenever she could, usually at risk of her life, and was able to take her back home eventually.

And I realized (again), that I don't love Johnley enough. I should worship him every day. I should cover him with kisses every moment. What his birth mother sacrificed for him is mind blowing. That we live in a world where people do not get to keep their children because they can't afford to feed them is mind blowing. That I live in a place, with an income, that I don't have that problem, is mind blowing.

Yesterday both boys had a dentist appointment. It was Johnley's first. The put us in a room where there was a wall in the middle with a doorway on each end, so I could see both boys. Johnley started crying right away. I calmed him down and once he was comfortable, I went to check on Sammy.

Sammy's hygienist was not very nice. Definitely not as nice as the one he had last time, which Johnley had this time. Anyway, Sammy started to cry, and pretty much cried the whole time. He has had some pretty bad times at the dentist, poor guy, and he was very stressed. He was so worried that it was going to hurt. And the stupid woman tells him that worrying causes wrinkles. Like a 4 year old gives a shit about that!

And then they give out the toothbrushes. Johnley had told the woman that his favorite color was red (at the time, I was just so happy that he could come up with a color – he hasn’t quite got them yet), so she gave Johnley a red Power Ranger toothbrush and Sammy a black one. Uh oh. And then the tears started in earnest. Sammy's heart broke. Johnley got the red one. He ran into the play area and cried the whole time I was making appointments and paying the bill.

And I thought, “I have ruined his life. I brought this other child into his life and completely turned everything upside down. He has lost his place, his mommy, everything he knows. What have I done?”

Yesterday also included:
a wonderfully pleasant lunch at Fridays, just me and my kids;
Taishauna's drama leader SCREAMING at kids in the back making noise which REALLY upset me;
lots of time spent with Pam, who is SO great at playing with the boys (and who Sammy is really starting to open up to);
Sammy spitting at the aforementioned Pam (how freaken embarrassing, I wanted to cry);
Johnley calling me stupid Mommy about 20 times (that's everyday, but it gets old - fast);
Taishauna bringing home the most beautiful ceramic shamrock (I promise I will post a picture soon) that she is soooo excited about;
Taishauna telling me I am the best mom in the whole world, when I produced pretzel sticks I had brought for her to eat after art;
Taishauna crying and stomping into her room at 8:30 when I told her she had to look some stuff up on the computer for 4-H today.

This mom thing is flucking exhausting.